10 Ways to Experience Your Feminine Energy

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For most of my life as a woman, I didn’t really feel like a woman.

I dressed like one. I tried to act like one. I checked the “female” gender box on forms. But deep inside I felt like all the other girls had that special something, and it had passed me by.

It wasn’t until after my divorce, as I was healing my sexual dysfunction, finding my way to emotional freedom rediscovering my creativity, that I began to wonder if this sense of alienation from my feminine self might be part of the whole problem. As I traced each challenge or “heart ache” I felt to its root, I kept coming up against that same thing:

I wanted to be joyful, open, receptive, free, magnetic and relaxed … like the women I knew who seemed most “women” to me. Yet I found myself more unhappy, shut down, closed off, chained up, stressed out and unseen. Was there a way I could “turn on” that energy flow inside me and access my womanhood, too?

I am grateful to God that He took me a long journey finding my way to my real, authentic feminine self (who, it turns out, was inside me all along). On the way to meeting her, I learned there are many ways to start tapping into that energy. Do this long enough, and It will begin to feel like the default flow in your body.

Eventually, operating in your feminine energy will feel completely normal—and you will realize you truly do feel “like a woman” now, deeply and fully within.

Here are a few of my favorite practical ways to tap into the feminine life flow that makes you uniquely you:

1. Dance, dance, dance

This is the number one go-to secret I teach all my clients: when you’re stuck up in your head and trying so hard to figure … it … out, switch on your favorite tunes and rock to the beat. You don’t have to be a great dancer, just feel the rhythm and let it move your body and soul. Nothing lifts your mood and makes you feel sensual (and sensuous) like your own private dance party.

2. Stop to smell the roses.

Tempted to race through your day on your latest mission? Stop. Wind all that anxiety and striving energy back in. Tell yourself, “It can wait a little while.” And seriously … if you like roses, go smell some. Or have a cup of tea. Or read a chapter in a novel. Whatever feels like a little relaxing luxury … start indulging in that daily. It’s like a mini miracle cure. Seriously.

3. Receive someone’s offer of help.

One of the biggest struggles for me as I began working with feminine energy was to stop always trying to save myself. Yes, you might not want to be a damsel in distress. But if no one can ever help you or see you in need of help, no one can get close to you. And emotional connection is the true gift of feminine energy. So when your friend offers to watch your kids, or your boyfriend wants to fix your car? Say yes. A thousand times yes. And then bless them with your joyful spirit.

4. Say “yes” to when your ego says “no.”

Along with Number 3 … you know when you are shutting down possibilities and saying “no” out of fear. You’re scared to go to that class with a friend because you’re afraid of what she’ll think. You don’t want to get up and say anything at the PTA conference—even though you’re a great speaker—because what if they laugh at you? Any time you feel yourself coiling up due to pride or fear, relax a bit. Unwind. And say “yes.” Whole worlds expand for me every time I do this.

5. Wear what feels good.

My life changed the day I quit wearing what I thought I should wear and started wearing what actually felt good. Look at your wardrobe and ask yourself, “What do I really feel beautiful in?” Wear those things. And only those things. Find reasons to put on your favorite jewelry or lipstick “just because.” When you start treating yourself as special, beautiful and worthy of adornment … you’ll start feeling exactly that way, too.

6. Find things to really be thankful for.

A grateful spirit makes for a radiant woman. No, really. Is your daily conversation—both with others and with yourself internally—full of gratitude? Or full of complaining? If you’re more in the latter camp, don’t fear. You can shift that narrative now by taking time every day to SAY aloud what you are thankful for or thank people or God audibly when something good happens. Honestly, you may not be able to afford fancy makeup … but a thankful, happy heart will make your face shine like no cosmetic ever could.

7. Pamper yourself.

It’s really okay to have that bath, or take the night out for yourself while a sitter watches the kids. It’s okay to have the more expensive dish you’d rather have, and carry a purse you really like. When you give yourself these small gifts, instead of saying “I have to wait until I achieve this or that impossible goal,” you are saying I am worthy right where I am, as I am. And that alone with one of the most relaxing, freeing states to be in.

8. Discover what relaxes you.

Not sure how to pamper yourself, because you’ve been living in Stress Land so long? Then take it in bits and pieces. Try a new latte today. Walk a new street tomorrow. Try on a dress you never would have considered before. As you do these things, you will begin to find new things that bring you pleasure and joy. And over time, you’ll have a whole new set of strategies for raising your mood and helping yourself feel happy.

9. Let yourself off the hook.

Things didn’t work out with him? The presentation wasn’t perfect? You blew it this time? Okay. Well, that happens. One of the ways we as women keep ourselves trapped in unhappiness is with our incessant need to batter ourselves for everything that didn’t “go perfectly.” Perfection is not your birthright; transformation is. You learned something. Now let it go. I have literally seen women shed years off their bodies by letting go of this emotional weight.

10. Swing your hips when you walk.

I know, this sounds cheesy. But really … your hips (sacral chakra area, if we’re getting technical) are the locus of your feminine, creative, reproductive energy that is your life essence. When you hold them rigid, it’s as if you’re trying to hold in the energy that is moving and alive. And how well does that work? I remember when I first discovered the freedom of letting my womb energetic center sway naturally as I walked. It gave me a whole different connection to the energy in that space. And somehow, yes, it made me finally “feel like a woman.”

11. Tell yourself you’re beautiful until you believe it.

So much of the battle for our feminine essence is in our heads. For years, I didn’t believe I was beautiful … and looking back on it, my dress, hair and makeup followed my assessment. Then I changed my thinking. I got serious about seeing myself as God sees me and speaking words of life over myself. When I began to believe I was beautiful, things really changed outwardly. Most people looking at pictures of me from five or eight years ago versus now see the marked shift. I can see it too—and I know it goes back to my decision to be beautiful. Decide what you are, and it will be so.

12. Indulge in some “girl time.”

Maybe all you need is just a good old fashioned “Ladies’ Night Out.” Get a sitter. Send your husband out with the boys. Call your best girlfriends who encourage and build you up (not those who tear you down or discourage you). No money to spare? Then just eat in at home, sharing something fun from everyone’s fridge. Got a little to invest? Go out for dinner, or just for the glass of wine and chocolate. Laugh. Get dressed up, if that’s your thing. Let all the cares go and have fun.

9 Ways to Love Your Body When You Don’t Really Like It

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“Don’t you you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that His spirit dwells in your midst?” – 1 Corinthians 3:16

You know deep inside if you don’t love your body. It’s hard to admit aloud, perhaps, but not hard to know in your soul. You hate mirrors. You don’t want to have your picture taken. And nothing you put on your body, clothes-wise, actually feels good.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t just dislike my body. I loathed it. I dreaded taking showers or baths because I’d have to undress in front of the bathroom mirror—and stare at all the lumps and bumps I had that I didn’t think were in the “places they were supposed to be.”

Many of my friends might have been surprised to learn how I felt about myself, because some of them considered me “slender” and “fit.” It took a lot of effort and ingenuity to make my body look different than it was, not to mention a lot of time and money. I bought the best bras I could afford. Shapewear, makeup and expensive haircuts were my best friend.

Yet, despite all this, I didn’t feel good in my own skin. And I certainly didn’t love it or what was inside of it.

It took me years to realize that my feelings weren’t magically going to change overnight. Yes, I did want to feel differently about my body, but spiritually (and neurologically) speaking, there are only two ways to change your feelings about yourself.

You have to change your THINKING and your ACTIONS.

No, your feelings won’t change overnight. But as you start prayerfully 1) doing things that genuinely nourish your body (rather than simply covering it up) and 2) redirecting every self-negative thought into one that honors God’s perspective … you will see change.

One day you will wake up, like I did, realizing that your body is pretty amazing exactly as it is. And that, in fact, you aren’t quite sure why you hated it so much or wanted to change it so badly. I know this might sound like an alternate universe, but it is possible.

Here are 9 ways to start nudging your inner “Negative Nancy” voice in the direction of genuine self-appreciation and praise to God for how you were made:

1. Ask God to change your heart toward yourself by showing you HIS radical love for you.

God says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14). He loves you to the core of your being. Every time you cut yourself down, you are essentially blaspheming Him by speaking against something that He has called good. God knows where you are at; He is ready and willing to extend mercy to you and even help you have a “new heart” in regards to yourself. All you have to do is ask. Sure, the way you FEEL about yourself might not change overnight. But you will receive the transformation if you persist in prayer and in choosing to THINK thoughts that reflect what HE says about you, not what your inner “Negative Nancy” is telling you.

2. Choose to feel good, rather than look good.

This is a simple but profound shift. If you’ve been buying tight clothes, Spanx or other shapewear that drives your skin insane but molds your silhouette into something you think is “acceptable,” now is the time to change that. By contrast, perhaps you wear “tent dresses” to hide your shape but secretly feel unkempt or slobby in them, what does that say? Either way, it’s time for change. Go to a favorite thrift shop or department store–your choice–and give yourself a whole afternoon to try on all kinds of outfits. Notice which fabrics feel good, which waistbands feel good, which clothes make you relax versus tense up. Once you find what makes you FEEL good, stick with that. And only that. By prioritizing your own good feels, you are de-prioritizing how others perceive you.

3. Nourish your skin inside and out.

At a certain point in my healing journey, I had a choice to make. I could continue spending tons of money on face/body products that promised miracle results, plus cosmetics that over my lifetime, would cost as much as a sports car. Or I could focus on having really great skin, and making sure I took care of its health so that I glowed from the inside out. I chose the latter. And I can say that that choice actually changed everything about loving myself and my body. My secrets for glow-glam skin that doesn’t even need makeup include:

  • Drink half your body weight in water each day.
  • Dry-brush before you shower, every time.
  • Use a natural charcoal exfoliating sponge on your face twice per week.
  • Make your own face scrub (it’s easy and fast!).
  • Swap commercial “moisturizers” for a gentle natural oil. (I use argan or jojoba.)
  • Shave your face with an eyebrow razor (yes, all those fine hairs everywhere!); it’s a powerful exfoliant and makes skin glow.
  • Try a vegan, vegetarian or meat- and dairy-lite diet. You’ll be shocked at how your skin responds.

Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying them all at once. Pick one technique and see what it does for you! Then try adding another.

4. Find a self-care practice that works for you.

For some women, baths make them feel great. For others it’s lounging in pretty lingerie while they read a book by candlelight. Maybe your jam is a monthly massage or two yoga classes a week. Whatever it is … and you might have to experiment to find it … prioritize that. For many years, because I hated my body so much, I didn’t want to spend time or money nourishing it. Once I began allocating resources to feeling good, guess what? The feelings followed. So find your jam and stick with it. And if you “fall off the bandwagon,” simply get on again. That’s why self-care is a journey and not an destination.

5. Do mirror work daily.

If you’re not familiar, mirror work is a practice in which you choose several affirming statements about your body, tape them up to the mirror where you get ready each day, and say them to yourself directly in the mirror as you dress. It might sound or feel “cheesy” at first, but WOW is this practice powerful! You see, our brains respond to verbal input. If your verbal input toward yourself is always negative, nothing is going to change. The combination of looking into your own eyes in the mirror, plus speaking “words of life” over yourself, can change so much. Some of my favorite mirror work affirmations include:

  • I love you exactly how God made you.
  • I am fearfully and wonderfully made because God said so.
  • You are becoming more beautiful each day, [insert name].
  • Who’s that gorgeous woman in the mirror? Oh, it’s me!

6. Move your body, just for fun.

When I began my healing journey, I was incredibly self-conscious about dancing and had been all my life. But something happened as I began to DO and THINK love toward my body. I would shut my door, turn up the music, and dance just for me. This was new. It felt strange and even silly at first. But then it began to feel REALLY GOOD. There’s a power in great music, and a power in dance. It will life your spirits like nothing else. Even if all you can do is move back and forth, wave your arms and turn in circles … baby girl, crank up those TUNES. The key too is to choose positive music—praise and worship, or at least songs that share a positive, uplifting message about the world and about you. You’ll be amazed at how your posture and your self-confidence begin to change in public as you do this work in private.

7. Practice standing tall.

Posture is a funny thing. It actually does make a difference in how people perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. Coming from a conservative church background in the ‘80s, I had those hilarious posture lessons with a hymn book balanced on my head … and it did nothing for me. This is partly because those lessons were focused on me looking “lady-like,” which is ALL about how other people perceive us. That is a lie from the pit of hell. Later, during my healing journey, I learned how to stand tall in yoga because it felt good and it made me feel powerful. Because when you show up and stand tall, people react differently to you, innately. And you also react differently to yourself. If you want to learn more, here is:

What Really Happens When You Buzz Your Hair in the Middle of a Nebraska Blizzard

On Saturday, the 14th of April 2018, I buzzed off all of my hair. 

My journey toward this moment began more than a decade ago, in Tibet, where I was frustrated by the intermittent showers I could get in that harsh, wild landscape. Sometimes a week went by between real showers, and my greasy hair was suffering. I told some other people in my travel group that I “just wanted to buzz it off.” They all thought it was a great idea, a smart solution, but ultimately I chickened out. 

Why? 

Simple.

I was afraid of what other people would think. 

Fast-forward a decade and a half. I had just come out of a rich, full romantic relationship that did not last as long as I had hoped it would. But in that breakup, God gave me the tremendous gift of revealing to me, through my now ex-boyfriend’s wise observations, all the ways in which I was not honest on my exterior about who I really inside.

I sat with his words and recognized the truth in tI knew I needed to make certain changes to be more authentic. And I had a feeling my hair was one of those changes. 

My friend Snowe and I started praying about what I should do. And you know what God said? 

His response was to show me an image of myself, vowing to buzz my hair back in Tibet. 

I knew immediately that the meaning was clear: this actually was the real me. But my fear had gotten in the way, and it was time to let that fear go. After all, it was fear that had kept me from fully being the real me in my dating relationship, which was a large shared of my contribution to its ultimate demise. 

I had learned my lesson. There was no going back. 

I promised God I would buzz it all off as soon as I got to Colorado, where I was going to visit a friend. 

God has a sense of humor, of course. 

I had a gut feeling that He wanted me to buzz my hair on 4/14, which back home in Milwaukee is known as “Milwaukee Day,” since our primary area code is 414. But as it turned out, I never made it to Colorado for 4/14. Instead, I got stuck in the biggest, nastiest blizzard I have ever witnessed. On 4/14 I was stuck in a roadside hotel in tiny Paxton, NE.

After paying for the unexpected hotel bill, I had $14 left to my name. (Ironic, no? $14 on 4/14? God has such a sense of humor!) But I was undaunted. I went to the hotel clerk and asked who in town could buzz my hair for $14. Keep in mind this was the day after a mammoth blizzard, when the I-80 highway was still completely shut down from Lincoln, NE, to the Colorado border!

He sent me into town to find the only beauty parlor, which was located in a house. Long story short, I almost missed the stylist, but by some miracle, she actually did come in to work that day. She buzzed my hair for $10 and I gave her the remaining $4 in tip. 

I walked out the door feeling completely liberated of every fear I have ever had about “looking good” in order to be accepted by others. 

The funny thing is, too, that the response of other people has been far different from what I anticipated. I thought I might get shunned, or get a lot of negative comments from people. (After all, where I come from in Milwaukee, you don’t see a lot of shave-headed women running around like you might in some more fashion-forward towns.) 

But I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Shaving my head has shown me who my true friends are. And I discovered, in fact, that more people were ready to applaud me for revealing the Real Me than were ready to ridicule me. 

People come up to me all the time now and ask about why I shaved my head. Women tell me they wish they had “that much courage,” and I encourage them to step out and do what their heart is leading them to. 

Perhaps I have been most surprised by the number of men who come up to me in stores or restaurants and compliment my hair—not in an uncomfortable or suggestive way, but with an energy of genuine appreciation for someone choosing to be different. 

People tell me all the time that my buzzed hair looks good on me, but here’s the dirty little secret about that: 

I had no idea if it were going to look good, or not, when I decided to do it. 

I simply went with God’s leading, and with the absolute conviction that I NEVER wanted to get into a relationship again where someone was unclear about who I really am. 

My buzzed head said “rebel.” It says, “free spirit.” It says, “artist.” Funnily enough, more cool people who also fit that description are showing up in my world every week now. 

Why? 

I think it’s because I chose to step out first, in the middle of a blizzard, when I didn’t know what the outcome would be. Following what God has for us, and creating the life He has given us a vision for, is all about faith. 

Sometimes you gotta take a pair of clippers to your head before you can really see who you are under all the layers of social conditioning, people-pleasing and unconscious choices you have been making all your life. 

Let it all fall away, and find out who you were meant to be.