The Real Reason Mr. Right Hasn’t Shown Up Yet

Your Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.” – Isaiah 54:5 

Hello, Beautiful Sister, I see you there.

You have a deep desire to be married, to create a family that honors God. 

Perhaps He has even given you a word confirming this is indeed His will for your life. You’ve been working on being the best version of you, dating as the opportunity arises and always keeping your eyes peeled for the arrival of your Mr. Right. 

So why is he taking so long? I mean, Southern sweet tea cures faster in a patch of sunshine than your future man showing up. And the way things are looking right now in your love life, that’s exactly what he’s doing: either drinking his sweet tea under a tree somewhere in Alabama … or worse, still waiting for it to cure. 

Either way, you’re getting impatient. 

Where is God in all of this? Why are you still as single as a stand-alone song on iTunes? And what are you supposed to DO now to hurry this along? 

Well, beloved woman, I can’t answer all those questions. But I sure can tell you this:

Sometimes the questions we ask will reveal the answers to us naturally, if we have the ears to ear. 

The first two questions, I truly can’t answer for you. I CAN tell you that God is here, in the midst of your singleness, and that He has an answer to the WHY that He may or may not choose to share. And that’s all I can say on that front.

But that third question … the one of the “What am I supposed to do now?” variety.

Your answer to your question is right there, plain as day. That question in and of itself IS your answer to why you, the Rebekah marked out for marriage by God Himself, are still waiting for your Isaac. Or his servant with the ten camels. (Take your pick, it all ends up the same way.)

Let’s face it: you are a goal-oriented, driven woman who sees what she wants and goes after it. If someone who seems successful says, “Jump, and you’ll get my results!” Your response is always, “How high?” I bet you’ve already hired a dating or feminine energy coach, read all the books on relationships, attended every church singles event, perfected your online dating profile until it POPS on the internal search engine and pray hard every day.

Bottom line; if you could do something … anything … to make this guy show up, you’ve probably already done it.

Which is why it’s time to stop approaching this marriage process like a man, and start approaching it like a woman. 

Yes, you heard me right.

Our culture today is sooooo sneaky. As women, we have been sold a lie that in order to be successful, we have to DO more. In the process, we get taught to behave like me: to set goals, check stuff ruthlessly off of lists, sweat hard and demand results. Which, as it turns out, are all masculine ways to get things done.

Yet this is NOT how we as women are wired to relate to God, ourselves or others. And when it comes to relationships, where our feminine energy is the REAL gift God has given us to bring to the man we’re dreaming of, we are rarely if ever showing up as soft, receptive, open space. 

Instead, we show up to the party trying to drive our agenda and get the man our way.

How can God send us a real man, when we’re so busy trying to be one? 

You see, feminine energy—the essence of our womanhood that God gave us as our “superpower—is all about being OPEN. It’s about receptivity. It’s about being able to “dance with the flow” of life and trust that God will guide our steps. NO striving, no struggle, no sweat.

And it’s actually the exact opposite of our goal-driven, “girl boss” culture. A woman who is truly in her feminine essence may not be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, no. But she has most definitely learned how to stay present in her life, exactly where she is right now, loving exactly what God sends to her and immersing herself in the full sensory experience of what is on her plate right now. 

In other words, a truly feminine woman—the kind of woman a “real man” wants to date and marry—is not in fight mode, conquer mode or competition mode. She’s busy enjoying her life, and nothing is more enticing than a beautiful woman who naturally helps a man rest from his own God-made goal orientation and relax into “the flow” in her presence.. 

Plese note, dear heart: this does not mean a feminine woman cannot be a successful visionary with dreams and plans God has given her, or a woman with “a lot going on.” But it means she accomplishes all these things by grounding into her life exactly as it is right now, not by deciding in advance what’s supposed to happen and pushing her agenda.

So, you still want to know why Mr. Right hasn’t shown up yet?

Part of it is timing. God isn’t going to bring him until the exact right moment … and you can get down on your knees and thank Him for this, because His way is best. But beyond that … God won’t bring Mr. Right into your life until you are fully surrendered to where you are right now. 

You’ve got to love your life to the fullest extent, RIGHT NOW, whether or not your man is in the picture. 

“But Lisa,” you say, as your eyes fill up with tears, “You have no idea how lonely I am. I just want to be loved, to be part of a team. Is that so much to ask?”

Oh, my beautiful friend, I know how you feel. God knows the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering if I would ever experience love—both before my marriage, during it (because it was never strong), and after it unexpectedly ended in divorce. 

As I speak the truth in love to you, I speak it from a place of deep tenderness and knowledge.

I didn’t want to hear that I needed to love my life, right now, before Mr. Right showed up. But once I dried my tears and accepted this word, my life actually began to change.

You see, Mr. Right can’t be your everything. He can’t be responsible for your emotion well-being, for cheering you up every second of the day, for taking away your loneliness, for giving you a purpose, a hope and “an expected end.” 

He’s a man. Like, a real one with flaws as well as features. And he’s going to need you to minister to him as much as he ministers to you. 

The only One who can satisfy all the needs you have is God. And since He’s all you’ve got right now … right now is the perfect opportunity to change how you approach your life, so you can (ultimately) watch God change your situation. 

A feminine woman doens’t have to fight or strive for what she wants, because she knows the Lord her Maker, the Lord of Hosts, is fighting on her behalf.

Believe me, I used to think it would be IMPOSSIBLE to love my life as a single woman. Yet, when I asked God to help me ground into what He’s given me, right now, and stop treating my love life like a mountain to be conquered, He answered me by literally SHOWERING His grace, His presence, and dynamic power, right into my situation. 

I still hope to be married, yes. God has told me this is my future and has given me many specific dreams and words about it. 

But I don’t need that man to make me happy. He will only, ever, be a complement to my happiness: the cherry on top the sundae of an already-amazing life.

Your life will be what you make it, with or without a man. So start making it extraordinary now, as-is.

And while you’re doing that, my dear friend, let Mr. Right off the hook. Let hims sip his sweet tea in Alabama, or better yet … wait for it to cure just right so he can bring you a glass to share.

He’s only a man, after all. And you’ve already got the Lord of Hosts for your husband. 

Let Him be your all, and when you do, you will see how He gives you more than you ever dreamed possible …

Maybe even the man of your dreams!

Are You as a Woman Really Ready to Start Your Own Business?

Rockin’ the solo-preneur lifestyle with my cat Jack in my home office in Milwaukee, WI, early 2017

I was 30 years old when I walked out of the highest-paying job I ever hoped to hold.  

In the preceding months, I had done everything I could to ensure my success. I hired a business coach. Got a business plan together. And even started getting beta clients for my new business’s first service package, so I could pitch it with testimonials. 

Of course, I was still scared out of my wits. But I was ready, right? I mean, as ready as I was going to be…

Sometimes I think it’s a blessing that God doesn’t tell us what’s going to happen in advance. Over the next three years, I learned how ready I really wasn’t to have my own business. And the business I did build was full of stress and struggle. Oh, I worked hard. So, so hard. But that’s just it: I did it all in my own strength. And I didn’t realize that while I had put the external foundation of the business into place, I hadn’t put the internal foundation there. 

Owning a business that served entrepreneurs and freelancing for many corporate clients forced me to come face-to-face with what was really going on inside me. 

Now, I tell women entrepreneurs: the external details of the business are important—what you are going to sell, who you will serve, what you will charge, etc. But if you are not truly strong enough inside (yet) to handle what you are stepping into … you will fail. 

Bottom line: you can’t do this business thing in your own strength. And God will use this situation to teach you that, like nothing else. 

So how can you ensure that you are truly ready internally to take this entrepreneurship journey with God?

You’re ready when … 

1) You’ve faced your fear of money.

Owning a business will show you, like nothing else, how terrified you are of money: both of not having enough, and of having “too much.” God had to break me of my “money fears” before I could stop putting limits on myself with my earning potential. I secretly believed that people who had a lot of money hurt other people. (NOTE: This presupposition is rampant in the artistic, social good and educational communities, which many women entrepreneurs identify with.) To be a successful entrepreneur, you have to get absolutely clear on the sufficiency of God to provide for you, and be willing to break through every block you have around money that will hold you back. 

2) You’ve faced your fear of self-promotion.

Oh sure, you want to have a business. But let’s talk about promoting your services, sharing your expertise and allowing your real, gifted self to be SEEN in the real and online worlds. Many women entrepreneurs I know describe themselves as “shy,” “not good in the spotlight,” and “wishing someone else would market the business.” I’m here to tell you, Sister. It does not work that way. God wants you to stand on your talents in HIM. He wants you to stand firm and tall and proclaim who He has made you to be, so the people who need you can find you. Very often this means confronting issues of self-worth and self-doubt that plague all of us. (It did for me!) If you are not ready to face these things, you are not ready for this business. 

3) You’ve faced your fear of success. 

Scraping by is okay. Having enough and a little extra is probably fine, too. But wild, over-the-top, runaway success that silences all the haters and causes people to stare in wonder? Um, yeah, that’s getting a little uncomfortable now, isn’t it? As Christians, we are so often taught that God is not interested in our success or happiness—yet I believe He is deeply interested in both. Yes, both of these may have to bow to His will for us to experience sorrow and loss for a season (believe me, I have been there!). But I believe far more often we fail to experience His best because we simply open to the fact that it IS possible. And (see Point #2) we’re not sure we deserve it. This entrepreneurial journey will challenge all of these thoughts. If you are not ready to accept success, don’t bother shooting for it. 

Owning a business as a woman—the kind of business that truly does good for others while honorably supporting you—is a noble goal. It IS possible to create these income streams. It IS possible to get out of the corporate rat race and experience the freedom and joy of owning your time and serving people you truly appreciate and want to help. 

But even these beautiful goals come at a price.

You will not be able to carry your sense of poverty, sense of self-loathing or self-doubt into this process. And if you try … well, I can say from my own experience that God has ways of knocking it all out of you. In the kindest (but most serious) way possible. 

Are you really ready to start your business? Well, you’ll never fully be ready. You might just have to take the leap. In fact, you probably will. But if you spend time really working on these three areas, you will be better positioned for success. 

I don’t regret walking out that door at age 30. I don’t miss the salary. bonus or cushy travel allowance I had—because in exchange, I was a slave in golden handcuffs. But I also, today, recognize how much I had not prepared myself internally for this new journey. 

Hard work will only get you so far. It can’t make up for the deficits you secretly believe you have inside. 

How Can I Hear the Voice of God?

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 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.“
– John 14:26

There’s a lot of talk in our culture about people who hear voices. It’s one of those topics that’s mostly a joke … until it’s not.

Let’s face it: most of us know “someone like that.” Someone whose carton is a few eggs short. The one who does crazy (or even morally wrong) things, then says to us, “The Voices told me to.” The one everybody avoids at the family reunion. The one whom everybody cringes at when they pop up in Messenger. The one whose mug shot we see in the local paper.

It’s not super popular to be a person who hears voices. Which is why people get weirded out when you say you hear The Voice on a daily basis.

The Voice of God, that is.

There’s a lot of difference between a voice and The Voice.

I believe that not everyone who hears “The Voice” in their head is crazy or deluded. God says in His word the Bible that He speaks personally and individually to anyone who has chosen a relationship with Him through His son, Jesus. This voice is less an actual audible sound and more a deep prompting rising up from somewhere within. And it’s quiet. In fact, the Bible calls it the “still, small voice.”

People tell me all the time, “Lisa, I’m a follower of Jesus, but God doesn’t speak to me like He speaks to you.”

I’m here today to call that a lie, and the sooner you stop believing it, the faster you’ll start hearing from God, too. Because the problem isn’t that God isn’t speaking.

It could be that you’re so afraid of the “crazy person” designation—and the attendant potential ostracism—that you’re blocking The Voice from coming to you at all.

It could also be that you’re not quiet enough to hear Him.

Shhhhh… God is speaking!

Getting quiet enough to hear the Voice of God is not merely the province of gurus on mountaintops, or a saintly nun tucked away in a cloister. It’s a process of coming face to face with all the noise inside us: all the unaddressed trauma, and fear, and anxiety that keeps us running for our lives day to day. It’s the to-do list. It’s the pile of bills to pay. It’s all the voices that haunt our sleep at night, replaying angry cut-downs spoken by people who were supposed to love us … and left instead.

As long as you run from all that internal clutter, instead of running to it, admitting it and allowing Jesus to heal it, you’ll never really be able to heard God the way He desires you to hear Him.

Because you can’t hear Him and your fear at the same time. You can’t listen well to His plan while also trying to calculate your own next move.

The Devil loves to keep us running in place, always looking backward.

Anything to distract us from the still, small voice.

Run straight into the mess, not from it

So you want to hear from God? Radically? Like, the kind of hearing that has Him telling you not only what to do next with your life, but also what to eat for breakfast and which route to take on your drive to work? Then it’s time to stop hiding from all the mess inside.

For me, this process began two years ago when I went through an unexpected (and undesired) divorce. It was only as my life unraveled that I began to fully understand how my decisions and my lifestyle had been driven by my fears rather than my faith, by my insistence on listening to false voices who told me I was Not Enough, rather than the voice of God who said, “I am Enough for you.”

It took God pushing me literally flat on my face to finally see the truth. In July of 2016 He sent me a wham-bammy of an emotional experience that dropped my whole body into what I like to call a “six-day heart attack.” I was running three hours a day for no reason, not able to breath, unable to eat, dealing with 9000 lb weight on my chest and surges of internal energy I could not control.

On the sixth day, I smashed my face into the rug on the terrazzo floor of my apartment and begged Him to make it stop, or take my life.

In that moment, the pressure dropped, the world got still and I heard the Voice of God for the first time. His inaugural observation?

You do not know how to receive love.

The truth hurts, but it also heals

Um, wow. Yes. I knew immediately that this was true. I could not explain where this crystalline insight had come from, except that it was completely intelligible and somehow had come from complete silence. And it was completely true.

It all flashed through my mind: the struggles I had had growing up, my endless battle with perfectionism, man after man in my life who didn’t see me as “worthy” romantically (including my soon-to-be ex-husband), my battles with intimacy that left me feeling like less of a woman, all the fear and anxiety I lived with on a daily basis, my endless feeling of isolation.

All of that … because I was unable to receive love?

It was a crushing blow, and the beginning of real healing. Because from that day forward, I began to hear God’s Voice more strongly. Sometimes He told me things about myself or others. Sometimes He asked me to do something simple—like eat oatmeal for breakfast, or turn right and take a back way instead of turning left for the more obvious route.

At first I thought I was crazy. But as time went by, I realized that He wanted to be involved in every aspect of my life. Not just the big things. But the small things too. I simply had to do the one thing that seems harder for human beings than any other.

Listen.

Like, really, truly listen.

It’s your turn. Are you ready?

People ask me all the time now, “How can I heard the Voice of God, too?” Well, assuming you already have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ—the only way you can hear Him on this level—I cannot guarantee for you when and how you will begin to hear that voice. All I can tell you to do is to begin to pray. To seek His face and ask Him for His favor.

You will also have to begin cleaning out the emotional clutter that works like supernatural distraction for your eyes and supernatural cotton in your ears. That looks like actually dealing with:

  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Insecurity
  • Anxiety
  • Silence
  • Lust
  • Isolation
  • Addictions
  • Experiences of rejection
  • Past abuse experiences

You see, most of us never really deal with the emotions around these things. We simply stuff them down—like I did with anxiety, sexual dysfunction, and feelings of failure and isolation. Talk to a trusted friend or mentor who can help you process through experiences that may be very tender. Don’t try to do it alone.

But the point is … let that stuff out. You might need to scream. Cry. Pound a pillow. Let yourself sit in a corner and shake like you never have before. Speak what happened to you, even if you have never allowed yourself to utter it aloud to anyone.

In short, you have to let yourself fall apart, so real emotional healing can begin.

Dare to become a beautiful mess

In our culture, we’re so afraid of these experiences. We do anything to avoid feeling pain, and when we do, we try to drown it out with exercise, work, or any other busy-ness that will keep us running to the next thing. Which is, by the way, precisely why we can’t hear God the way we want to. When emotions get lodged inside our physical body, they create barriers to our spiritual sensitivity and freedom. It’s like our whole being is “numbed out” trying to deal with what we were never meant to carry around inside.

I’m not saying by doing this your life will be perfect overnight. Or that you’ll suddenly hear The Voice fifteen times per day. But if you stick with prayerful practices of emotional clearing, you will be amazed at the luscious empty space inside that begins to form when you finally let go of all the pain you are hanging onto, and let God take it.

You’ll also find that you are suddenly able to be quiet and listen. Because it’s everything undealt-with inside of you that is keeping you from sitting still and really hearing the Holy Spirit.

The choice to hear God is yours

The Devil would love for you to remain in emotional bondage so that you miss out on the still, small Voice of God.

Don’t give in. You know now what’s up. He can speak to you just as He speaks to me, comforting me, guiding me, showing me each step on the road ahead—whether it’s my next big move, or my breakfast menu.

Rise up. Tell all that emotional clutter that it will no longer have you and keep you in bondage. Ask Jesus to break those chains. Pray. Praise. Speak with someone who also loves God who is qualified to help you get free.

And then get quiet.

Really quiet.

Because the Voice of God may be a whisper, but when He hits your life, trust me. Even the oldest, strongest foundations will shake.

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